I have a 12 year old daughter who is a great kid. She always tries to do what is right and works hard. If anything, she is a perfectionist. The other day, we were at the park with her younger siblings and I was having a really rough time. I said “damn” to no one in particular. My daughter went into a lecture about not swearing. I know this is coming from our church youth group, and I’m worried about her growing up to be a “holier than thou” type. I told her as much, but I’m still concerned about it. Do you have any advice?
Holy Mama
This is really normal for a 19 year old. It’s not normal for a 12 year old. Teenagers, especially older teenagers, start to develop their own moral compass that differs from their parents as they are exposed to more of the world. Some of them even go through a really annoying phase where they are correcting their elders. Think of the college sophmore who comes back home with newly hairly legs and armpits and explains to her parents why they really should say “Native American” instead of “Indian”. Or in a more conservative direction, the high school senior who decides they are “born again” and gets rebaptized and really wants to go on a missions trip for a gap year. Because of your child’s age and disinclination to otherwise rebel, I think this is different and much more concerning.
My concern is that your child is replacing her parents with her church as the moral authority. It’s so important that as your child is entering her adolescent years that she maintains strong connections with her parents to guide her. If her church participation is interfering with this relationship, that is genuinely dangerous. Perhaps this is a one off. Sometimes kids hear something and latch on tight and are unskilled about how they then communicate with others. Because you are concerned about a larger trend of her turning into a “holier than thou” person, I am guessing it’s more of a pattern.
My advice would be to make sure you are having plenty of family discussions around values and spiritual beliefs that do not simply refer to church. Remember, the church’s role is to support us as individuals and families, not the other way around. Do your kids know what your family values are? Here is a long list of values from Brene Brown to get you started. It’s a great family activity to have each person pick out some of their values and then maybe even say what their top 3-5 are. Then, come together as a family to talk about what your family values. This is something the parents might want to talk about ahead of time, so everyone is on the same page.
When we make decisions around morality, they should be grounded in our values. Integrity means that we act in line with our beliefs and values. That comes from somewhere deep inside us. It doesn’t come from the Bible or from sermons or from lists of rules. Those things can absolutely help you to think through your values and beliefs, give you examples of how others have applied their values and beliefs, even influence our values and beliefs, but they are not the direct source. By reorienting your family to looking inward to find that place of integrity, you will be setting them up to not depend on lists of rules from church, but to live authentically with a genuine regard for how they show up in the world. Because they are focused inward, they are also less likely to go around judging others. From a values perspective, it makes sense that others will make different choices because we aren’t judging people with an external standard but expecting ourselves and others to act from their internal values, values which might be a little different from person to person.
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